Catadromy

So, I’m watching the CBS Evening News on a Saturday, no less.  (The story of my sad social life will have to wait for another time.)  These days, the network evening news on the weekends is all about infomercials.  Generally, I find infomercials to be a source of some amusement.  They’re formulaic, pitching some product or other of no or very little practical use for a reasonable price and then the pitch is broadened to include a doubling of the very self-same offer without an additional charge—except for a twofold increase in shipping and handling.  Of course.  And then they’ll throw in something else extra just to sweeten the deal.  A recipe book, a specialized slicing knife, a decorating kit.  So if I want to make a giant cupcake or perfect brownies (without having to get them out of the pan with a wood chisel—which NEVER happens to me or anyone I know) or a fat-free meatloaf or hang up an entire wardrobe of clothing—including purses!—in a teeny little closet, I know I’ll find just the thing I need on some infomercial running somewhere.

But it was the infomercial I saw today that’s moved me to write.  It was for something called the Pajama Jean.  What fresh hell is this?  Apparently, Pajama Jeans are sweatpants done up to look like actual jeans.  They have contrast-stitched rear pockets, contrast stitching on the side seams and where the front fly would be, ‘brass’ rivets and they’re blue on one side and gray on the other, so that you can roll them up to make cuffs, just like real jeans.  And they’re so comfortable, that you could sleep in them, just like pajamas.

OMG!  These are not jeans, Dear Readers!  They’re sweatpants.  As my mother used to tell me, when you wear sweatpants out of the house, it’s a mark that you’ve given up on life.

The infomercial showed a model wearing her Pajama Jeans traveling, shopping, exercising and more.  (More what, I shudder to think.)  The model, well, she looks like a model.  Maybe a size 2.  However, you have to know that the women who will buy these things aren’t size 2.  More like a size 22.  And the shopping they do will be at Wal-Mart.  Sizes for the Pajama Jean range from XS to 3XL.  Do you have any idea how big a 3XL is?  According to their own size chart, a 3XL translates to a size 26-28.  That’s not a traditional jean waist size, that’s a clothing size and that’s B-I-G.

The people who would wear these things outside of the home exist in a universe that is unknown to me.  I’m not the world’s most careful dresser, I’ll admit.  I sit around the house in my Yankee pants, a logo T and a pair of Uggs.  But I would never, ever, NEVER even think of leaving the house dressed that way.  My mother would haunt me to the end of my days if I did.  Besides, I have a minimum of self-respect.  Still.  I do, I really do.